I remember the days of laying in my twin-size bed, laying on my tear-soaked pillow questioning whether I wanted to continue living. That may be hard for some to read but it is my truth. When living was so incredibly painful to do that it didn’t seem worth it anymore.
The true beginning of my healing journey came when a man that I didn’t know sent me a simple message.
“I don’t know where you live but here is my phone number. Call me sometime.”
He had no idea how he was going to impact my story.
He had no idea what he was even walking into.
It took me days to finally get up the courage to call that phone number. I didn’t know where it was from but I didn’t have anything to lose at this point. That first phone call lasted HOURS. It was in that phone call that I told him what had happened. A complete stranger, who I didn’t even know was going to stick around, learned my truth in a matter of hours. His response,
“We will do what we need to do to get through it together.”
I knew from the first time that I heard his voice that I was going to marry him. I just knew it. BUT I was terrified that after I told him my dirty little secret, that he was going to want nothing to do with me and continue on the life that he had in Canada.
He did call the next day and the next day and the next day. He called for 3 months straight UNTIL we finally decided to meet in person. (BUT that is a blog post for a whole separate day.)
HOW THAT PHONE CALL TRIGGERED SOMETHING IN ME
My real and true healing didn’t happen for another 9 years after that first phone call but that phone call triggered something in me. A trigger that I didn't realize at the time because I still felt so unworthy of life.
For almost 2 years until that point, I didn’t believe that I was worthy of anything. I locked myself in my dorm room and then my room at my parent’s house and then my own apartment. I became a victim with nothing left to lose. I became a woman who was willing to fade away because there was nothing left in me to give.
I couldn’t pretend to be happy.
I couldn’t pretend to even give a shit about my life.
I had decided that my worth had been taken away in 2003 and I just wasn’t worth fighting for.
UNTIL that phone call.
I had told someone about what had happened and he didn’t disappear. He sat with me on the phone as I spent hours crying and crying. He sat with me on the phone as I contemplated whether to continue living. He sat with me on the phone telling me that he loved me and he always would love me.
I didn’t realize then that the impact that his love truly had on me in those moments. It was in those moments that he showed me that I WAS worthy of love. That I WAS worthy of living. That I WAS worthy of having everything that I wanted.
It was in those moments on the phone that I knew someone out there was rooting for me to be more than a victim. He wanted me to survive. He wanted to meet me in person someday and I wanted to be able to give him that. And I did.
THE BEGINNING OF YOUR JOURNEY TO HEALING
As I said above, the real healing process still didn’t begin until 9 years after that first phone call. He has been my beacon but I didn’t realize that I NEEDED TO BE MY OWN BEACON for the healing to really begin.
He allowed me to believe that I was worthy of loving and that was when the first crack appeared in my armour. BUT he couldn’t save me. No one could. Not my children, not my parents. It had to be me.
So where do you begin in your journey?
You begin by choosing yourself. This will probably be one of the hardest choices of your life. You have been choosing everyone else for so long that you don’t even know who you are anymore. It has to be a deliberate choice to say YES, to say YES to who YOU WANT TO BE!
What do I exactly mean by choosing yourself?
You NEED to be intentional in the activities that you choose for yourself. When I first started, I knew that I needed to start with loving my outer self. I thought that would be the easiest place to start so I began to get naked and look at myself every morning in the mirror.
It was hard and painful to do but I needed to learn how to embrace who I was in the moment. As I went alone, I began to notice that if I gave myself reasons to fall in love with my body, it would help the process.
So I started easy. I started with my arms and listed all the reasons I am grateful for my arms.
I can pick up my children.
I can carry groceries into my home.
I can get myself dressed.
I can brush my own teeth.
I can crawl and play with my children.
I can hug my husband.
I can feed myself.
It is all about starting small and thinking of ALL the things that you do on a daily basis that you take for granted. After working as a PSW, I realized how lucky I was to be able to do the tasks of everyday living. Get back to basics and realize how truly blessed you are in the life you are currently living.
Rediscover who you are. By doing this you will be able to find what you love to do. At the beginning of this stage, I wrote down EVERYTHING that I used to love to do and EVERYTHING that I had always wanted to try to do.
I would go through the list and retry things that I used to do. I began to realize that there were things I once loved to do that I didn’t enjoy anymore. AND THAT IS OKAY!! Cross it off the list and move on. This is such a fun piece of the rediscover yourself puzzle. Enjoy the process and by the end, you will have things that you can do as hobbies and as self-care. TRIPLE WIN!!!
Start blogging your journey. When I started blogging, I had 0 plan. I had 0 foundations built. I had 0 ideas of what I was doing. BUT I DID IT ANYWAY. I just never realized how healing documenting my healing journey was going to be.
Blogging has given me the accountability to keep moving forward.
Blogging has given me the power to say, this is what can REALLY happen when you are a survivor.
Blogging has given me a community of women who continually show me support and unconditional love.
Blogging has given me an outlet to share my deepest truths in a raw way to not only connect with others but also to connect with myself.
The most important piece of starting a blog is starting with a plan. Creating a plan that works with YOUR schedule. A schedule that you can maintain. I can help you lay a strong foundation in blogging when you join me in the Fierce Growth Acceleration Mastermind.
The beginning of ANY journey is ALWAYS the SCARIEST. BUT you can’t let that fear keep you from starting. You will learn to regret it. The biggest lesson I learned throughout my process of healing is…
I WISH I WOULD HAVE STARTED SOONER.
I wish I would have seen my worth sooner.
I wish I would have given myself the opportunity to grow sooner.
I wish my kids could have seen the unbroken me sooner.
I wish I could have learned to love my body sooner.
Nowhere in my journey do I wish I would have stopped or started later.
Nowhere in my journey do I wish that I would have hated myself for a longer period of time.
Nowhere in my journey do I wish that I could turn back the clock and go back to being the broken and depleted Samantha.
Nowhere in my journey do I wish that other women would feel the way I did.
I want YOU to decide today to BEGIN YOUR JOURNEY.
I want YOU to say YES to rediscovering who YOU ARE.
I want you to join me for the Fierce Growth masterclass and see how I can help you begin this journey feeling less alone and more supported than YOU have EVER felt.